I gotta be honest. Whenever I see friends, family and acquaintances who have pictures posted all over Facebook of their kids doing things, even ordinary things, well, I get a little jealous. I wish I had some of my own. But then again, I wish I had a lot of things that I don’t currently have. In many ways, I feel behind the times. Behind people. Behind the expectations I have of myself. I don’t really have a career or a savings account that is worth mentioning. No significant other. So I should just go jump off a roof or something, right?
There are a lot of social pressures to be a certain way. And like it or not we are all influenced by them. Even the people who seem to resist and fight those social infrastructures. Actually, especially those that fight. I was one of those. Resisted and fought e-ver-y- thing. I was a true rebel without a cause. I fought good AND evil. I fought right and wrong. Light and the dark. I was equal opportunity. If you said yes, I said no. Me + living this way=deficit. Considerable deficit. But it took banging my head up against that proverbial brick wall, what felt like a million times, before I began to even suspect that I was not living a fruitful life.
I had my reasons though. I was 5 in korea when my mother was killed practically in front of me. I was physically and emotionally beaten by a wet-nurse that I lived with subsequent to my mother’s death. Then I had a party with the nuns and priests at an orphanage for 2 years. Wow, they were so much fun. They beat god into me with sticks and a whole bunch of very fear arousing words. I was hurt and angry and especially, scared. I know. Pretty dramatic shit. But you know what? I am not 5 anymore.
I didn’t feel I had any say or choice in the matter back then but I do now. What I have and what I think matter now. So what do I have exactly? I mean, my mind is certainly clear about what I DON’T have. When I consider that question, the things that stick out the most in my mind are simply…my dreams. It’s what I have and always had. It won’t leave me. Couldn’t get rid of it if I tried and trust me, I tried. I tried alcohol, drugs, women, anger and self pity. They all failed in ridding me of my dreams. My dreams have been true to me and now it’s time for me to return the favor.
Ask yourself this question. If all jobs paid the same, what would you do? If you could make $1000 a week digging a ditch for 40 hours or being the president of the good ol’ USA, what would you be? Astronaut? Travel agent and see the world? Humanitarian and feed the world? A ditch digger? There is a good chance the answer to that question outlines your dreams. I was watching tv one late evening and I saw a famous motivational coach who was being interviewed. He defined passion as the last thing you thought about before you went to bed and the first thing you thought about when you got up in the morning. I thought, “I want that”. Passion. But, I have it. I’ve always had it. It’s my music. I was afraid to claim it but I ain’t afraid now :)
Hi, my name is Paul Howe. I’m a singer/ songwriter/ conceptualist/lover/healer. Nice to meet you and welcome to my world :)